Dec
27

Quitters never win

By jacquie  //  The Vlogs  //  No Comments

I want to do things that matter. I want everyone to be happy. I want to change for the better and let go.

I want to do things that I’m horrible at. There I said it. I want to suck so bad that look like a fool. I want to work toward something and see myself progress. This is the time to do what I need to do.

All of my life I’ve started projects, groups, sports,etc. and if I wasn’t amazing immediately, I had this overwhelming urge to just quit and run away with a hood over my head due to embarrassment and looking like a failure. Starting to play drums? If I wasn’t deemed a child  prodigy within the first month then it was time for me to put the drum sticks down. Oh..that’s not a normal thought process? I don’t know if it’s the Capricorn in me to want to always be “perfect” or just how I’ve felt all of my life.

One thing is for sure, most people aren’t naturally great when they first start something new. It takes practice, time, commitment. When I first started dancing lessons, it a challenge for me. I was always put in the first row and my teacher would say “Do it like Jacquie”. It made me feel like a star, like I wasn’t letting myself down. It did come natural to me so I stayed with it for over 12 years. When I began pointe classes my feet would bleed (normal), my legs would quiver and I would fall, I couldn’t stretch my legs just right, I couldn’t do it with such grace like the others in my class. I was humiliated and riddled with anxiety (I get bad anxiety attacks). I wasn’t as good so what did I do? I quit. To most people that sounds very abrupt and crazy, but that’s what I did. I regret it, I really do, but regret is healthy. If I didn’t regret it I wouldn’t learn. It’s good to have regrets you just have to know when to correct your actions in the future.See why it’s such a mission for me to stick something out that is WAY out of my comfort zone? I know I am a hard worker, but I think I like instant gratification and it’s also a pride thing. Letting my guard down and being vulnerable is something I struggle with, but I am working on it as we speak.

In the midst of the Christmas Eve craziness, I stopped and had a sudden feeling of happiness. Like, over the top, warm and fuzzy, full heart, brought tears to my eyes happiness. It came out of nowhere while at church, but it made me stop and think of how everything in my life at this point, no matter the past or all the stresses of the present, even with messy hair, needing a shower and a long to do list, is perfect and happier than ever. I knew at that moment if I wanted to truly rid myself of anxiety and feelings of unhappiness I needed to let go of the idea of being perfect. I needed to know that it’s ok to feel. To me that moment of clarity was the best gift I could have gotten. The gift of letting go.

I have a beautiful family and a roof over my head. What more could I need? I feel like these holidays were placed at the end of the year for a good reason. To reflect on how much happiness you have in your life before a new crazy year full of ups and downs begins. Life isn’t picture perfect, but it doesn’t have to look perfect to be perfect for you.

I have no idea what the future holds, but today I know that I am here and in the moment and for that I am so thankful. I am going on the newest adventure of my life and I am looking out the window, wind blowing, sun shining in my face clad with shades with the biggest smile knowing that the best is yet to come. Lets cheers to this.

 

XO,

Tacky Jacquie

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